11 Reasons Why The Barbie Movie Doesn't Work For Me

 

(WARNING: This review WILL contain major spoilers, so if you haven’t seen it already, I suggest you do.)

So, Barbie huh? I don’t think anyone was expecting Barbie to be the politically charged controversial hit that it was, especially not when it was alongside Oppenheimer. 

I went into Barbie knowing nothing other than what the trailers showed me, and I was prepared to have a good time with another Mattel-related franchise. But when I finished the movie, something about it felt off to me, and I couldn’t really explain or articulate my feelings towards it. Now I know I already made a review of this movie, but those were my first impressions from seeing the movie for the first time. Now that a few months have passed, and I’ve had time to actually gather and ponder my thoughts, I wanted to make this updated review to explain my Barbie opinions in more detail.

Now Barbie is one of those movies that tends to be seen as mostly black and white, as most people either love it or hate it. Me? I lean toward the neutral side of the Barbie spectrum, I don’t utterly despise the film, but I also don’t particularly like it either, because of many issues that are too big to be overlooked. What issues, I hear you asking? Well, there are 11 main ones that I want to highlight. Let’s go over them, shall we?

#11: The movie misrepresents the franchise it centers around: And I don’t mean that in a broad sense necessarily, I’m talking about certain things or plot elements relating to the history of Barbie and how it conveys said history to its audience. You know, things like how they claim Ken doesn’t have any jobs, how they only use Midge to state how “Pregnancy is weird” and nothing else, that flat-footed Barbies have never existed, or that there are hardly any women employed at Mattel. All things this movie would have you believe, but when I did some research, I found out these bits were just untrue or rather reductive. The biggest example of this is near the beginning, where it’s stated that before Barbie came along, girls could only play with baby dolls, but that’s simply not the case. There were plenty of dolls of varying styles and ages before Barbie was invented. (Namely, Betsy McCall, who was created in 1951, and was turned into a 3D plastic model the following year. If you wanna learn more about other kinds of dolls that were around in the 50s, I highly recommend you check out this video by mjtanner below. It’s pretty awesome.)

I know these may not seem like they matter that much in the grand scheme of things, but if you want this to feel like an actual love letter to this franchise, it really would help to get your facts straight, as these don’t feel like necessary liberties to tell a story, these feel like cheap jabs to make Barbie look better or worse than it actually is. Movies like The Lego Movie and The Spider-Verse movies are MUCH better love letters to their respective subjects (Legos and Spider-Man, respectively.) because while they’re not afraid to poke fun at themselves, they remain as accurate to the source material as they can be and don’t try to make their subjects anything more or less than what they are.

#10: The Plot Is Very Rushed: I talked about this in my first impression review, and it bears repeating here. As soon as Barbie and Ken get to the real world, the plot shifts into maximum overdrive and speed runs all of the concepts and plot elements it introduces. First, we need to establish that the real world is terrible and misogynistic (I’ll talk about that later.), then we need to establish the Mattel board and their role in the movie, then we need to have Barbie observe the real world, then we need to have Ken learn about patriarchy, then we need to establish Sasha and how much she hates Barbie, then we need to have Ken taking what he learned back to Barbie Land (Which they don’t show, by the way), then we need to get Barbie to Mattel and have her meet the CEO, then we need to have Barbie escape Mattel, then we need to have Barbie meeting Ruth Handler, then we need to establish Sasha’s mom and the relationship she has with her, and then we need to have them helping Barbie escape Mattel and them going back to Barbie Land. It all just goes by so fast, with hardly any breathing room.

Because of this pacing issue, nothing is really as fleshed out as it can be. The biggest and most glaring example of this is Gloria and Sasha and their “journeys” throughout the film. Gloria is a mom who works at Mattel, and Sasha is an angsty teen who hates everything and everyone, including her mom and especially Barbie. Because of this, Gloria has been using Sasha’s old Barbie doll as a coping mechanism for her negative thoughts and feelings, which triggers Barbie to come to the real world. Once Barbie finds the two of them, Gloria decides that they’re both going with Barbie back to Barbie Land, without even letting her husband know where they’re going, because she wants to do something fun. When they get to Barbie Land, they spend it mainly reacting to the drama unfolding with Barbie and Ken, and when Barbie tells them to go away, they do, and then in the car scene, Sasha says they have to go back and save Barbie, while also saying that her mom is cool and she loves her.

…Do you see the problem with this storyline? If not let me enlighten you. While it is set up decently, the movie doesn’t spend enough time with it to flesh it out properly, so the characters just speed through their arc through their dialogue, and Sasha’s mood and opinion on Barbie changes just like that. I’m sorry, but you cannot have a character call another character a fascist unironically and have that same character, a few minutes later, want to help them out. It’s just not natural.

If you want to do this kind of thing, you gotta build to it. If you want Sasha to hate and then love Barbie, have them actually spend time together and form a relationship, so that way Sasha’s change of heart doesn’t feel forced or rushed because she made a meaningful connection with Barbie. As for the relationship between Gloria and Sasha, Random Film Talk had a great re-write idea for this plot in his Barbie review: Ken could have met Sasha and taken her back to Barbie Land so she can tell him how patriarchy works. I know that sounds crazy, but think about it: It was established in the movie that dolls kidnapping people has happened before, so it wouldn’t be too out of left field and it would make Ken’s vision of patriarchy more understandable because he got it from an angsty teenage girl. Also, it would give Gloria a reason to go to Barbie Land other than “She just wants to have fun”, because her daughter is in danger. AND the moment when Gloria and Sasha finally get back together again would be the perfect time for the two to reconcile, as Sasha would have realized how far her mom went to save her, and that she does care about her. Something akin to Finding Nemo, which is probably the best movie about kid-parent relationships ever.

But we didn’t get that, because the writers prioritized Ken and Barbie and their struggles over the side cast. And that brings me to my next issue.

#9: None of the supporting characters are memorable or fun to watch: I’m telling you, the only reason I remember any of them was because of the research I had to do for this review. If it wasn’t for that, they would have faded from my memories.

Your main characters can only be as good as the other characters they have to interact with, and no character besides Barbie, Ken, and I guess Weird Barbie, sticks around long enough or do enough to leave an actual impression. Think Cars, The Lego Movie, Bridesmaids, The Toy Story Trilogy, Finding Nemo, Harry Potter, Monsters Inc. and University, Night at the Museum, Star Wars (Yeah, I started watching that), Into and Across the Spider-Verse, all movies with side casts I know, love, and remember because they were given time to have funny moments, character dynamics and to leave an impression. And that’s just not the case with Barbie.

That's not to say the cast didn’t do a good job, they did a great job with what they were given, but this movie is not their best work. If I want to see Will Ferrell as a businessman antagonist, I can watch The Lego Movie. If I want to see Michael Cera be awkward, I can watch Arrested Development. If I want to see Kate McKinnon be weird, I can watch an SNL sketch with her in it. If I want to see Arianna Greenblatt be an actually likable character, I can watch Stuck In The Middle. And if I want to get an idea of what Ruth Handler was like, I can watch whatever interviews of her are available on YouTube.

You get what I’m saying? While no one is downright horrible, the side characters in this movie are nothing special.

#8: The Real World Isn’t Real At All: If anything, it’s more bizarre and cartoony than Barbie Land. I compared these scenes to the Amazing World of Gumball episode “The Worst”, and I still stand by that comparison. Both go for the same base-level jokes, observations, and complaints, with no solutions or nuance thrown in whatsoever.

As soon as Barbie and Ken rollerblade into CA, they’re immediately met with wolf-whistles, horny stares, lewd remarks, billboards of bikini models, people saying “smile”, and to top it all off, Barbie gets her butt slapped in broad daylight in the middle of a crowded LA boardwalk, during the daytime, then gets arrested for defending herself.

And I’m not saying Barbie should have never faced any harassment or gone through any hardships, but they should have eased into it, toned it down, and balanced it out with more positive experiences, so Barbie could get a taste of what the real world is actually like. And no, that scene with Barbie sitting on a bench and looking around at everything is not enough. Besides, it goes by too fast.

Next up to bat on my comparison list is Enchanted, which did the Fish out of Water scenario a lot better. Princess Giselle is whisked away from her fairy-tale home to the less-than-glamorous New York City. She also had a less than pleasant experience when she first arrived, but what made it work was that she had just been pushed down a giant hole right before she was about to get married, so, of course, she would be a bit ill-prepared to handle a new place that she’d never been to before, and all the negative things that happen to her are real things that could happen to anyone at night in NY, like busy traffic, crowded streets, a thieving bum, the usual. Also, Giselle actually spent a good amount of time in the real world, getting to see its perks, forming connections, and influencing others with her kind heart and infectious joy. That’s not the case with Barbie. Aside from that one scene where she meets a senior citizen, she has no reason to like the real world or want to be a part of it. While Giselle was able to build relationships and experience new things that made her want to stay in New York, Barbie had only 1 positive experience in California sandwiched in between 5 or 6 bad ones. That’s not good.

Another thing that makes the real world anything but real is that there are no good guys! No male humans who are smart, reasonable, and/or friendly. Almost every dude in the real world is either stupid, misogynistic, or both. And that’s not how the real world is. If the genders in this movie were swapped, and the real world was filled with dumb ladies who are always trying to sleep with every man they come across, it would be just as bad. Again, I’m not saying that Barbie should have never met any stupid or sexist guys, but you gotta balance it out with some actual good and reasonable guys.

Enchanted had that in Robert. He was a realist, but he was still polite, and caring and he was able to teach Giselle about how the real world works, while she was able to teach him to be more open and expressive with his feelings. Barbie doesn’t have anything like that, or any good male characters like Robert, as it would much rather showcase how the world is made up of stupid, sexist douches who can’t control their horniness. There was only one reasonable real-world guy in this movie, and that’s the lifeguard who says he can’t hire Ken because he doesn’t have the right qualifications. And he had approximately a minute of screen time. And that’s just not a good look for anyone.

#7: It Demonizes Masculinity: For a movie that claims to be for everyone, it sure does seem to hate masculine things. When Ken brings “Patriarchy” to Barbie Land, the Kens are playing sports, working out, talking about horses, and eventually, Ken’s Mojo Dojo Casa House gets manufactured in the “Real World” and sells like hotcakes. And all of these things are seen as negatives. And yeah, story-wise they are, but the way it’s portrayed in this movie makes it seem like these are all signs of toxic masculinity. If I could make a callback to the beginning of the movie, the only sort of masculine thing the Barbies seem to do are jobs that are usually done by men, we never see them work out or play sports, or ride horses. They just kinda sit around and talk.

“But Noah, that’s because they never heard or knew about these kinds of things until Ken told them all about patriarchy, and they were too busy cleaning up after the Kens and fetching them beers!”

Then why, after everything goes back to normal, do none of the Barbies ever express any interest in what the Kens were doing? Why didn’t any of them want to use a pull-up bar, keep a horse, watch The Godfather again, or turn their dream houses into dojos? There are girls who like doing all of the things the Kens did during their patriarchy party, but the way this movie acts, makes it seem like this stuff is bad, because it’s associated with boys and men and patriarchy.

I’m gonna pull out my handy dandy gender trump card: Sesame Street’s Dress-Up Club episode for this one because it did a WAY better job of breaking gender roles/norms. On the surface, it may seem like it's just the characters playing dress-up, and it is, but through that simple premise, it’s able to teach the lesson about how boys and girls shouldn’t have to be limited to playing with specific things. All of the characters are playing together as equals and none of them are shaming each other for the choices they make. The only one who has a problem with this is Prairie Dawn, who needs to learn that there are no just boy things or just girl things, anyone can play anything, and when she does, she embraces that philosophy. It’s short, sweet, and to the point.

Sesame Street was able to get that message across better in approximately 8 minutes than this movie could in an hour and 54 minutes. Let that sink in.

Also, the song that played in the background of Ken's patriarchy party was NOT a right fit for that scene. I mean you listen to it and tell me? Does this sound like something stereotypically manly or masculine? I'm not saying it's bad, just not the right music for the scene.

#6: Sasha and Gloria’s speeches (But mainly Gloria’s speech): These are the worst parts of the movie, by far. They both feel like angry lectures screamed in my face by human mouthpieces instead of actual thoughtful dialogue from actual characters.

Starting with Sasha, even though her rant can be interpreted as an immature girl lashing out at a toy she doesn’t like, bragging about how “powerful” she is, and using buzzwords to make herself sound smart, that’s not how the film wants you to interpret it, it wants you to see it as a well-informed girl dismantling everything wrong with Barbie, and I’m sorry, but I just cannot see it that way. Barbie was not created to make little girls aspire to have her exact body type, she was created to give girls something fun they could play with and something they could have fun imagining with. The problem lies with people who complain about how Barbie doesn’t represent everyone or sets impossible beauty standards, not Barbie herself. And this is something Ruth Handler said on video.

To put it in simpler terms: She. Is. A Toy.

But it’s nothing compared to Gloria’s rant. My god. This scene is when I actually started to feel uncomfortable when I first watched this movie in the theater, and it’s not gotten any better since. I hear it took 2 days and 50 takes to get right, and I pity everyone who had to be there if it did. Every point that spews out of America Ferrera’s mouth is either something not exclusive to women (No one should be rude.), something only other women care about (Men typically don’t care how much money a woman has.), or just not true (You have to answer for men’s bad behavior? Try telling that to all the men currently in prison.). This monologue is over-simplified, and one-sided, preaches to the choir instead of trying to convince anyone else, ignores women-specific issues that are actually bad (Fertility timers, pregnancy issues, ridiculous laws that exist in other countries), and no solutions to any of the problems listed are given.

(Side note, while we’re still talking about her, Gloria’s Ordinary Barbie idea at the end was bad, because Ordinary Barbie already exists. That’s essentially what Barbie is. An ordinary girl who can literally be anything she wants.)

But speaking of Barbie, let’s talk about her for a minute.

#5: Barbie Is Not A Very Proactive or Considerate Character: I know this is gonna sound crazy, but STB (Stereotypical Barbie) doesn’t really give herself agency for the big moments she faces throughout this movie. When Weird Barbie tells STB that she’s gotta go to the real world, she immediately rejects the idea and that adventure, when Sasha is spewing her nonsensical rant at her, STB makes no counterarguments or comebacks, and instead runs away crying, and when Ken starts patriarch-ing in Barbie Land, STB shuts down and says she’ll wait for one of the other Barbies to fix everything, and even when Weird Barbie takes her back to her crib and recruits her for taking Barbie Land back, she spends almost all of her time lying on the ground, crying, and complaining about how inadequate she feels.

Now let’s compare that to some characters from other movies:

Emmet (The Lego Movie): Despite claiming he never has any ideas, Emmet is actually a very proactive protagonist. Despite getting accidentally dragged into the situation he’s in, he’s willing to give it his best shot. He was able to use his head to stop the cart from careening off a cliff, even if it was bad, he still gave a speech like Vitruvius asked him to, his Double-Decker Couch saved him and his friends from drowning, and he was able to use his skills and experience as a construction worker to teach his new master builder friends how to follow instructions, work together and make a plan. Not to mention he was able to get Lord Business to see reason and his value, despite being Kraggled in place.

SpongeBob (The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie): SpongeBob is tired of everyone thinking that he’s just a kid who’s not able to handle anything, so when Mr. Krabs gets wrongly accused of stealing King Neptune’s crown, he selflessly volunteers to go to the forbidden Shell City to get it back, and despite running into a few road bumps, he and Patrick do eventually get to where they need to go. And after dodging death via heat lamp, they get the crown, bring it back to Neptune and SpongeBob frees everyone from Plankton’s mind control by accepting who he is inside: A kid.

The Parr Family (The Incredibles): A family with superpowers forced to live in a world where people either don’t appreciate them or want them dead and they constantly have to use their skills and abilities to survive and help those in need.

Fa Mulan (Mulan): This lady took her dad's place in the Imperial Chinese Army, and saved her entire country. And if I listed all the things she did to get from Point A to Point B, we'd be here all day.

Tiana (The Princess and The Frog): A young woman who wants to fulfill her dead father’s dream of owning a restaurant, so she works her butt off to save enough money to buy a building for it. When she’s turned into a frog, she’s still able to keep her new friends fed, she’s also able to escape hunters with guns, and she teaches Naveen how to mince. When the Shadowman tries to bribe his way into getting his necklace back, Tiana sticks to her guns, breaks the necklace, and sends the Shadowman to the depths of hell, where he belongs.

Sheriff Woody and Buzz Lightyear (Toy Story): Two toys in a huge world, but don't let that stop them from achieving amazing things and looking after each other and those they care about. (Seriously, go back and watch the first three TS movies, and you'll be surprised at just how much stuff Buzz and Woody do.)

Ralph (Wreck-It Ralph): Ralph is tired of everyone (Aside from Felix) treating him like a bad guy, so he goes off to win a medal in another video game in an effort to gain some respect. He wins it, loses it in another game, and teams up with Vanellope to get it back. Later on, after interrogating Sour Bill, Ralph finds out about Vanellope’s tragic past, busts her out of jail, and goes to the Coke and Mint volcano to take out the Cybugs he accidentally brought to Sugar Rush.

Anna and Elsa (Frozen): Two sisters who were torn apart by an accident. Anna craves love and relationships so she constantly tries to help those she cares about and let them know how much they mean to her. Elsa, on the other hand, was guilt-ridden after hurting Anna and never wanted to do it again, so she took every cautionary matter she could to stop another incident from happening and eventually isolated herself from Arendale altogether, but eventually learned to control her powers and save Arendale from eternal winter.

Esmerelda (The Hunchback of Notre Dame): She’s able to make money for herself by street performing. She, without hesitation, saves Quasimodo from the ropes he was tied up with. She can easily escape security guards and can hold her own against Pheobus in a sword fight.

Ken (This movie): Ken wants respect and admiration from others, particularly STB, but every time he tries to get it, it doesn’t really work. When he goes to the “Real World” and finds out that people respect him for who he is, he decides to take that concept to Barbie Land and inform his fellow Kens of its greatness.

Yikes. When the antagonist of the story is more proactive than the protagonist of the story, that’s not a good sign. This also reflects poorly on the other Barbies, as we never see how Ken informed them of the patriarchy, and we’re just supposed to accept the fact that he brainwashed them. It kinda makes it hard to see these characters as strong, smart, female leaders when one dude can convince them of something so easily, and you compare them to Small Pox victims.

What makes it even more annoying is how no one is trying to push her to do anything, or offering any ideas on how to fix things, just coddling her and giving her compliments. Almost like they’re saying: “It’s okay to sit around and do nothing about your problems, someone else will solve them for you.” IN FACT, this scene kind of reminds me of a scene from the movie Bridesmaids, (Really good movie, BTW, you should totally watch it.) where Annie has hit rock bottom, and is sulking on her Mom’s couch, so Megan decides to come by and give her a little tough love.

I really love this scene, it’s funny, it’s profound, and the line “You’re your problem, and you’re also your solution” is such a great line that a lot of people need to hear. Compare that to Barbie, where everyone just lets Barbie cry and ramble on about how she’s not pretty or special and how no one looks like her. As a matter of fact, Gloria CONTRIBUTES to the pity party with her long-winded speech, and somehow THAT’S what causes the Barbies to snap out of it.

If the writers wanted this scene to actually have some impact and feel like a triumphant return to action, they should have had Gloria explain some of the hardships she has to face in the real world and how nothing will change if she doesn’t do anything. Or, as JLongbone suggested, have Barbie be there for the scene where Gloria and Sasha are reconnecting, which would show her a positive relationship between people who really care about each other and see the good in each other and that’s what would have snapped them out of their brainwashing: Women seeing the good in each other and appreciating the relationships they have with each other, not someone just listing off all of the reasons why all women are oppressed.

Another aspect of STB that rubbed me the wrong way is how selfish she is. Throughout this movie, she interacts with many other characters who are significantly worse off than she is, like Ken, Midge, and Weird Barbie, but she doesn't really make any attempts to understand their struggles and how this world is hard on them, instead only focusing on what she's going through and how they can help make things better for her. And this wouldn't be such a big issue if the film called her out on it, and made her realize the world doesn't revolve around her, but it doesn't. Instead of Barbie learning about how different people have different struggles and that she should make more of an effort to acknowledge them, this movie doesn't challenge her on that front whatsoever and allows her to only focus on her problems. This is especially evident in how she interacts with Ken.

Now, before you say anything, it's not the fact that Barbie and Ken didn't hook up that I took issue with. If you wanna make a Barbie movie where Barbie and Ken are just friends, that's fine. I've seen Barbie movies where B&K are just friends that I really enjoy. Heck, one of them's my favorite Barbie movie. But that's not what you did. Throughout this movie, Barbie does not treat Ken like a friend but rather as a nuisance and an afterthought. She doesn't make any actual attempts to hang out with Ken, (Matter of fact, she actually rejects his wish to spend time with her.) At one point she calls him superfluous, she didn't even think about where the Kens lived until Sasha brought it up, when Ken lets her know how meaningless she made him feel, she instead opts to cry about how Barbie Land and her life are ruined. And even though she apologizes to Ken after the Barbies take back Barbie Land, it doesn't come off as a genuine attempt to make up with a friend, it comes off as her wanting to find some way to quickly make some guy she kinda knows feel better about going back to being a homeless piece of eye candy.

On top of that, she decides to leave the female patriarchal system that SHE helped reinstate and that she would ABSOLUTELY be better off in, and become a human in the "real world", where she can be arrested for defending herself against rapey perverts because she just wants to.

And for you to understand why I have an issue with this, I want to go over two of my favorite sitcom protagonists: Leslie Knope and Jeff Winger.

Leslie has always had one mission in life: To make the town she lives in, and by extension, the world, a better place. Not just for herself, but for her friends, and the many citizens of Pawnee. Leslie's life revolves around interacting with other people who have different types of issues and different perspectives on life. Which means she has her ideas and views challenged quite a bit. And yes, Leslie does have a habit of being stubborn and short-sighted, but the people in her life are not afraid to call her out when she's being unreasonable, and for all of her faults, Leslie has a huge heart and is willing to learn and grow from her mistakes, which makes her journey and accomplishments throughout the series all the more satisfying.

On the flip side, Jeff started his show being a huge self-centered jerk. Only concerned with getting his bachelor's degree doing the least amount of work possible, and getting into a pretty coed's pants, if he can. But through accidentally forming a legit study group and meeting Britta, Abed, Annie, Troy, Shirley, and Pierce, Jeff began to grow as a person, being continuously challenged and called out by his friends and having to put in way more effort than he initially wanted to as he tried to survive the minefield known as Greendale Community College. Throughout the show, and most notably in the first season, we slowly start to see Jeff think and care about other people besides himself, and allow himself to be humbled and learn from his experiences.

In contrast, STB never really makes any attempts to understand things from the perspective of other characters, and only really contributes to stuff that will benefit her, and the movie never really frames her as being in the wrong for doing so. Speaking of which...

#4: The Protagonists Don’t Really Look That Good: And I don’t mean appearance-wise, I mean they don’t look good when it comes to their morality and actions near the end of the movie. After everyone realizes Gloria’s speech unbrainwashed them, they hatch a plan centered around lying and manipulation.

They go out into Barbie Land and pretend to not know how to do things so the Kens will help them, snatch the brainwashed Barbies, shove them into a van, and have Gloria recite her monologue to them. …That looks and sounds a lot more like brainwashing than what’s actually being portrayed as brainwashing. And maybe that’s the reason why they didn’t show Ken presenting his ideas to Barbie Land, to not make this scene look bad by comparison.

And you can argue all you want that the Kens were being patronizing by showing them how to do things, but they were still being honest and upfront with their intentions. Not to mention, the Barbies were pretending not to know how to do things so that they would help them.

And that’s not even mentioning them turning the Kens against each other, lying to their faces, leading them on, texting and flirting with other guys in front of them, and feeding into their jealousy. I mean, just listen how to they describe it:

“Give them their dream come true, and at the peak of their happiness, when they think you actually care, you take it all away.”

…So, just to clarify, our antagonists are dumb himbos who want to share their knowledge of anything they know about with others, and are very insecure. While our protagonists are spiteful manipulators who take advantage of said dumb himbos’ insecurities to get them to fight each other. Again, not a good sign.

But wait, it gets even crazier. I recently watched a video that stated the Barbies' plan to take back Barbie Land was just using the D.E.N.N.I.S. System from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, and it was right.

For the unaware, the D.E.N.N.I.S. System was a system created by Dennis Reynolds that would allow him to sleep with as many women as possible, and the main characters of this movie use this same line of strategy to get what they want out of the Kens. Don't believe me?

D- Demonstrate Value: The Barbies demonstrate their value as doting girlfriends who need help with stuff.

E- Engage Physically: The Barbies flirt with the Kens and ask them out on dates.

N- Nurture Dependence: The Barbies nurture the Kens' dependence on them, by indulging their interests.

N- Neglect Emotionally: The Barbies then neglect and play with the Ken's feelings and emotions by texting and flirting with other Kens in front of them.

I- Inspire Hope: The Barbies, more specifically STB attempts to inspire Ken by telling him that being himself should be enough for him.

S- Separate Entirely: Barbie then publicly proclaims she's not in love with Ken, and leaves him to be a human in the real world.

See what I mean? And just in case it wasn't blatantly obvious, Dennis was presented as being in the wrong for this. We were supposed to see him as the narcissistic, sex-obsessed sociopath he is, and find it disturbingly hilarious how he thinks this process of playing with girls' hearts and using them as objects for his pleasure will work every time. And it's not because he's a boy, it's because he's a genuinely terrible person. This system is bad regardless of who's doing it.

But no, this movie wants us to see what the Barbies are doing as right and for “the greater good”, and that highlights the next reason this movie doesn’t work for me.

#3: This Movie Pits Men and Women Against Each Other: And I don’t mean just in that scene I just went over, I mean this is prevalent throughout the whole movie. Barbie spends most of its time portraying men and women as fundamentally opposed groups. Men as power-hungry douches who always want to keep women down, and women as always oppressed minorities who have to fight to be seen and/or heard. This is showcased with how things are in Barbie Land with Barbies being socialites and breadwinners who do all the work while the Kens are just eye candy.

Now I’m not saying that there are no power-hungry men or oppressed women in the real world, because there obviously are, but those people are only part of the human race. Most men I know, including myself, aren’t in any major positions of power, and we’re just trying to get through our lives, face problems as they come, and show our appreciation for the people we interact with on a daily basis. Inversely, I know TONS of women who do so many amazing things and have so many amazing and important jobs, (Ladies, you know who you are. ;) and as far as I know they have no trouble getting respect and admiration from other men. You know why? Because they’re awesome! This movie exists in such a black-and-white universe when the actual world is completely grey.

Not helping is the hypocrisy frequently brought up in certain scenes. Like how they’ll shame men who sexually objectify and thirst after women, but also have Weird Barbie say she’d like to see what kind of “nude blob” Ken’s packing under his jeans, and not be called out for it. Or how Barbie’s low in the story where she doesn’t feel good and everyone treats it with seriousness and sympathy, but when Ken has his low when the Patriarchy crumbles, the scene is treated as funny and weird. Double Standards are bad regardless of who’s the victim, and this film should have done a better job of showcasing that.

This movie is also not a fan of dating or relationships, as there are no couples in Barbie Land. Which is weird because I would think that at least some of them would be looking for a relationship given the fact that they’re dolls that little kids play with, but nope, Barbies are only focused on themselves, jobs, and nothing else.

This is reinforced near the end of the movie, where instead of telling Ken that there are plenty of fish in the sea, (Or plenty of Barbies in Barbie Land, I suppose) and that he should try to ask any of them out, STB tells him he needs to find fulfillment in himself. And don’t get me wrong, self-love is important, but you can love yourself while loving others. I do it all the time. This mantra of “I’m just Ken, and that’s Kenough” isn’t really a deep philosophy, but rather a pacifier to lull Ken into a sense of control, when in actuality, he’s right back where he started.

And that’s driven home further by the fact that nothing was really accomplished.

“Of course, something was accomplished, Noah! President Barbie specifically said they didn’t think things should go back to exactly the way they were, and that no Barbie or Ken should live in the shadows!”

Yeah, but that’s pretty much it. This movie doesn’t showcase anything that signifies that things will change, and if you’re gonna bring up the Supreme Court part as a counter, let me stop you right there. If you’ll recall, President Barbie didn’t give them a seat on the Supreme Court, she gave them a smaller position, with the narrator even saying:

“The Kens have to start somewhere and one day, they’ll have as much power and influence in Barbie Land as women have in the real world.”

1, This is just another lazy way of wrapping the Kens’ storyline up. 2, It makes President Barbie look like a hypocrite after claiming they should be equals. 3, It’s accidentally implying that women have no power and influence in the real world because that’s exactly how it was portrayed in this movie. 4, The Kens are essentially coping the blame for stuff men do in the real world, even though Gloria stated it was insane that people have to answer for men’s bad behavior. And 5, it also unintentionally implies that women don’t belong on the Supreme Court, because they’re not qualified to do so because of their gender.

Also, Allan is completely ignored here. I mean, if you’re gonna say how no one should live in the shadows, you should probably include the only guy who helped you out in bringing back Barbie Land. But no, this movie didn’t want things to actually change, it just wanted to give off the illusion of change.

And all of this paints a picture that men and women are two completely opposite arch-rivals who are always competing against each other in a meaningless game, when that’s just not the case. We’re two sides of the same coin. Men can be just as bad or good as women and vice versa. Neither of us is better than the other, and we need each other to be happy and survive. And if this movie actually cared about men as much as it claimed to, it would have done a better job of showcasing that.

#2: This Movie’s Vision For Humanity Is Honestly Kinda Sad: People say that the Barbie movie doesn’t hate motherhood or relationships, but they could have fooled me because there’s very little of it featured here.

“Noah, what are you talking about?! This movie is a celebration of motherhood! Look at Gloria and Sasha! And that scene at the end with Barbie and Ruth Handler while that Billie Eilish song played in the background?! Makes me cry every time!”

First off, as I already went over, Gloria and Sasha’s relationship isn’t focused on or fleshed out enough for me to care about it. Secondly, neither was Barbie and Ruth Handler’s! They had just one scene in the middle of the movie and that was it. Thirdly, while the song is nice, and so are the little clips they show, that’s still not enough to make me believe this movie loves motherhood as much as it claims to.

I mean, I would be more inclined to believe it, if the opening scene wasn’t about establishing how playing with baby dolls is boring and had kids SMASH said baby dolls, and if they didn’t have a character whose sole purpose is to make fun of pregnancy and have the other characters say how weird it is, and if they let Sasha, Gloria, and her husband be an actually loving and supportive family for more than two minutes, rather than just an angsty teen, an over-worked ditzy boss mom, and an idiot who’s struggling to learn Spanish while his spouse and daughter speak perfect English.

And it’s not just them. I didn’t get the sense that ANY of the characters in this movie cared about each other or had deep connections with one another, aside from the Kens after they learned about patriarchy.

“Aw come on, Noah! What are you talking about?! Did you not see the first part of the movie where all the Barbies are talking to each other and giving each other compliments? That’s positive female interaction!”

Yeah, I saw it, and it all rings hollow for me because it’s all surface-level and business-like.

You wanna know what I think of when I think of positive female interactions? The Powerpuff Girls, The Loud House, Sex and the City, Bridesmaids, Frozen, Inside Out, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sofia the First, Friends, Legally Blonde, shows and movies with memorable, defined, talented characters, who just so happen to be women, and who either form actual relationships with each other, or already have relationships and showcase how deep their bonds are for the world to see. I don’t see any deep bonds between any of the dolls in Barbie Land. None of them feel like friends, rather, they feel like co-workers who just tolerate each other’s existence.

The Gang from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia have better-portrayed relationships with each other and feel like actual friends more than the characters of the Barbie movie, and they’re psychotic sociopathic scumbags who turn on each other the second things go wrong!

Now I wanna call three of the greatest Pixar movies to the stand: Cars, The Incredibles, and Up. All very different movies with different plots and different characters, but they all share the same message: Community is important, and each of the protagonists in these stories had to learn that message.

Lightning McQueen was overzealous, and arrogant and saw most of the people he interacted with as below him. He didn’t even have any friends besides Mack, and somewhat Harv. But when he gets stuck in Radiator Springs and has to do menial labor, he takes time to slow down and get to know the people he’s forced to be in contact with, and learn more about the town and its origins, and by the end of the movie, he realizes that the Piston Cup isn’t what matters, what matters is having people who will stick by you no matter what.

Bob was so unhappy with his life, and so obsessed with reliving life as a superhero, that he almost lost sight of what was really important: His wife and three kids. But after they get caught up in his escapade and he sees them die in a plane (Or so he thinks), he realizes what a huge mistake he’s made, so when the Omnidroid starts attacking the city, he wants them to stay behind because he doesn’t want to lose them, but finds out that by letting them help him save the day, he’s actually stronger than he used to be, because as they say: The strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack.

Carl was so racked with grief after losing Ellie that he couldn’t move on and remained stuck in his ways, prioritizing his house and every memento in it over EVERYTHING, but after getting to Paradise Falls, the thing he wanted to do more than anything, he’s still not happy. Then when he opens up Ellie’s adventure book, he finds out that, even though she didn’t get to go to Paradise Falls, she still had a great adventure being Carl’s wife, and now that she’s gone, she wants him to have a new one. So Carl chucks everything out of his house to save Kevin while also mending his relationships with Russell and Dug as they become the two new most important parts of his life.

All three of these main characters were stuck in their ways and were mainly motivated by self-interest, but they all eventually learned that life isn’t really about what you do, it’s about the people you meet along the way, who care about you and will always be there for you.

That message isn’t present in Barbie. Rather it seems to convey the message that relationships between people, in general, are unimportant and meaningless. Your job, yourself, and power is what really matters. You don’t need anyone else, you just need you, your work and power. And honestly, that sucks. It really really sucks. I love my family and my friends. I love doing stuff with them, I love hearing them speak, and I love being a part of their life and them being a part of mine. And when I do eventually get a job, I’m not gonna let it take more precedence over the people that I care about.

I know that isn’t what the crew behind this film intended for me to take away, but they should have done a better job at showcasing human connection and how important it is, because without that, Barbie just rings hollow for me.

#1: The movie puts its theme/message above everything else: The biggest problem with Barbie, and this is something I’ve already gone over, is that it prioritizes the message of “Women don’t have it easy and the Patriarchy is bad”, over actually telling a compelling story with relatable and endearing characters. It is so concerned with drilling the notion in your head that the world is run by stupid, misogynistic men who hate or just don’t care about women, it leaves little to come back to besides that. What makes it even worse is that instead of molding the message out of the story, characters, and jokes, the story, jokes, and characters are molded to fit the message, and that is not something you should do if you want your production to stick with people.

Thomas, Sesame Street, Blue’s Clues, Simpsons, South Park, Always Sunny. These 6 shows are on opposite sides of the target age spectrum but they all share a common factor: They handle themes, messages, lessons, morals, satire, and social commentary excellently because they don’t let what they want to say hijack their entertainment value and they allow what they want to say to be molded by the stories and characters, rather than the other way around. They feature great songs, lovable characters, hilarious jokes, and funny situations. The lesson or message of any episode is just a bonus thing we pick up because we were having fun with these characters in their world. And each show has their own unique way of showcasing this talent.

Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends: In the first seven seasons, at least, the episodes ran for 4 minutes each, but they were still able to pack a lot into that short time frame. Thomas and his friends all had different personalities and the fact that they were sentient machines allowed the writers to teach the young audience more about the kinds of things machines do without being overt. The show also had a very realistic edge to it. The main characters could be jerks a lot of the time, but each of them had redeeming qualities that made you love them anyway, and the situations they got into and the relationships they had with each other were things kids could relate to, even though they weren’t machines.

Examples: The Flying Kipper, Duncan Gets Spooked, Toby and The Flood, Henry’s Forest, Fish, Terrence the Tractor, Thomas and Bertie’s Great Race, Henry’s Special Coal, The Duck & Diesel Trilogy, Thomas & Gordon, Thomas' Train, Percy's Chocolate Crunch, The Refreshment Lady's Stand, James In A Mess, Down The Mine, The Sad Story Of Henry, Henry To The Rescue, No Joke for James, Thomas & the Jet Engine

Sesame Street: This show teaches kids very obvious lessons, and pretty much spells everything out for them, but the reason it worked so well, at least in the first 50 seasons, was that it had amazing songs, killer humor, a beloved cast of one-note yet three-dimensional characters that were able to stand the test of time, and even some pretty engaging storylines. Not to mention, its variety show format made it so if one particular segment or scene didn't entertain you, there was bound to be something else that would.

Examples: C is For Cookie, Mr. Hooper’s Death, Episode 3140, I Love Trash, Maria and Luis’ Love Story, Bein' Green, Rubber Duckie, Gospel Alphabet, Snuffy’s Revealing, Pinball Number Count, Ladybug's Picnic, Don't Eat The Pictures, Elmo Saves Christmas, Sesame Street Stays Up Late, Any Elmo's World episode

Blue’s Clues: Another show that makes its lessons obvious, but what makes it work here is two things: 1, Steve (And Joe) is such a welcoming and entertaining presence in every episode he’s in. He makes you feel like you’re actually his friend, and because of that kids are more inclined to follow him and his friends with whatever their doing. And 2, the show has a tight formula that it rarely ever strays away from, but the writers are able to find different ways to execute it each time, and that in turn, allows the formula and the lessons to work in tandem with each other, so no episode feels like a copy of another one.

Examples: Any episode from the first five seasons.

The Simpsons: The characters, aside from having well-defined personalities that help them stand out amongst each other, are used to satirize and commentate on American culture, and despite being a relic of the 90s, it’s still able to feel timeless, because the characters drive each episode with the choices they make. Not to mention how many individual jokes are packed into each and every scene, one after the other.

Examples: Homer’s Enemy, Bart Gets an F, Lisa vs Malibu Stacy, Marge vs the Monorail, Lisa the Vegetarian, Lisa’s Substitute, Separate Vocations, Mr. Lisa Goes To Washington, Lisa's Wedding, Last Exit To Springfield, Bart Gets Famous, Itchy & Scratchy & Marge, Homer Badman, Deep Space Homer

South Park: SP is in a similar boat, but unlike the Simpsons, which grounds its characters and plots in reality, South Park will go off-the-wall insane with its characters, setting, and scenarios. Also, Trey and Matt subscribed to the logic that everything is funny or nothing is. Which means they’re neutral agents of chaos. And unlike what some people would have you believe, the show doesn’t think it’s cool to not care about things. If anything, most episodes make the point that you should care about stuff.

Examples: Raisins, Krazy Kripples, With Apologies To Jesse Jackson, Cartman Sucks, The Passion Of The Jew, Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants, I'm A Little Bit Country, Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society, Red Hot Catholic Love, Timmy 2000, Breast Cancer Show Ever, South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut, Butt-Out, Goobacks, Trapped In The Closet, The List, You Have 0 Friends, All About Mormons, Le Petit Tourette, Butters' Bottom B***h

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia: Another show similar to the Simpsons that allows the characters to drive the plots that unfold, but instead of being flawed, but good-hearted and well-intentioned individuals, our main characters are the worst people in human existence, so the themes, messages, and satire come from the Gang’s immoral behavior with whatever issue they’re facing, so the audience can pick up that this is not the right way to behave in society.

Examples: Gun Fever Too: Still Hot, The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby, Psycho Pete Returns, The Gang Solves The Gas Crisis, The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition, The Gang Exploits The Mortgage Crisis, The D.E.N.N.I.S. System, Frank Reynolds’ Little Beauties, Mac and Dennis Buy A Timeshare, Mac and Charlie Write A Movie, The Gang Gets Analyzed, The Gang Gets Quarantined, Mac Fights Gay Marriage

All six of these shows have differing themes and lessons that are shaped and elevated by each cast of characters, the worlds they inhabit, and the situations they get into.

Now when you put the Barbie Movie alongside those shows, the way it handles its theming and messaging falls flat on its face. It has too much it wants to say, and not enough time to say it. It prioritizes cramming in as many feminist opinions and buzzwords over naturally moving the story forward, lacks any nuance or thematically grey areas that could be topics for discussion, and instead of trying to convince you why it thinks the way it does, it assumes the audience already agrees with it whole-heartedly and spends most of the runtime preaching to the very large choir. (Which I’m pretty sure is why it got the reception it did.) But most damning of all, instead of the political messaging being something that comes naturally through the characters and story, the characters and story feel like they were made specifically for this political messaging, and suffice to say, I would definitely prefer the former. I don’t feel like I’m watching a movie about a Barbie girl in a Barbie world, I feel like I’m watching an hour-long lecture about the struggles of women, featuring Barbie, and a lecture is NOT something your movie should be like.

If you want a more overt example of what I'm talking about, let's talk about VeggieTales for a minute.

VeggieTales, like Barbie, is not at all subtle about what its beliefs are. It's a Christianity-based TV show created to spread the good word of God. So, how was it better than any other religious program and a hit with everyone, even people who weren't Christian? Simple. Phil Vischer didn't just set out to make a good Christian show, he set out to make a good show. VeggieTales takes after the six shows I mentioned previously and fuses its religion with its entertainment. Their tagline is literally "Sunday Morning Values, Saturday Morning Fun" VeggieTales stuck out because it had likable and memorable characters, songs that go harder than they have any right to, and fun stories and scenarios with funny jokes that people of all ages could appreciate. And even though the show was preaching Christianity, it never really came off as empty or condescending, because they actually explained why the lessons they were teaching were important through the stories they told. Not to mention the lessons were very simple and not as Christian-centric as one would expect. (Don't be selfish, be kind to others, lying is wrong, be thankful for what you have, you are not limited by your size, etc.) The main thing VeggieTales was teaching us was how to be a good person, and while it did have a few misfires and problematic elements here and there, it still holds up pretty well.

And again, when I compare it to Barbie, the differences are pretty clear. Whereas VeggieTales was able to explain its beliefs and lessons gently, was geared towards people of any age, and had plenty of other features to help it stand on its own without religion, Barbie bludgeons you over the head with what it believes, makes no attempts to explain itself, caters specifically and exclusively towards middle-aged women, and lets its politics/beliefs take over every aspect of it, so I don't really get that much replay value out of it.

It’s not that Barbie had themes or messages, or that said themes and messages were “woke” that was the problem. No, the problem was that it was so convinced that its thoughts and ideas were right, that it came off as condescending, preachy, reductive, and empty. At least that’s how it came off to me.

(Sighs) Now, despite everything I’ve just said, Barbie is far from the worst movie ever made. Believe me, there are so many other worse movies you could be watching. And, like every other piece of media, it has good aspects to it. The sets and costumes, as everyone else has already said, are fantastic and look like actual toys and playsets kids grew up playing with, casting Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling as Barbie and Ken respectively was a lightning-in-a-bottle stroke of genius, there were some funny jokes sprinkled throughout the feature, the songs are nice to listen to, as I mentioned before, the rest of the cast is good, it actually threw me for a loop when it revealed Gloria was the one who kickstarted Barbie’s existential crisis, and as a die-hard Thomas fan, this deleted scene was priceless.

But even so, those aren’t enough to bring the movie up for me. And what makes it even worse is that I can see what this movie could have been. If the writers had put as much effort into the writing as they did the sets and costumes, I think Barbie would have had the potential to be a truly fun and uplifting experience, but they instead opted to use politics as their backbone, and as a result, will only appeal to those who agree with said politics.

This is why I’m going on record, that I actually prefer Dhar Mann videos to Barbie 2023, cause while both are preachy productions with obvious themes and messages, non-realistic real-world depictions, and characters that are essentially mouthpieces, with Dhar Mann, you know what you're getting from the get-go: Corny/cheesy internet videos that are meant to make you feel good. With Barbie, I went in expecting a good, fun, engaging adventure, with memorable and endearing characters, and received a pink sledgehammer of a lecture about how supposedly the gender constructs in our world are.

But hey, I’m just a 21-year-old dude who likes watching TV and movies and wanted to share his opinion on a movie he didn’t particularly like. I am in no way the end-all-be-all guru when it comes to these kinds of things. If you liked this movie, that’s totally fine. Most of my friends, as well as my family, liked it, too, and I’m in no position to tell them they’re wrong for doing so. But I will tell you that if you like Barbie, and someone else in your life doesn’t, don’t automatically claim them as an awful person. And for the love of God, if you are currently in a relationship PLEASE DO NOT use it as a legitimate reason to break up with them. (Yes, there are people who have done this.)

If I can give Barbie any credit, I will say its aesthetic and style are very pleasing to look at. It’s no wonder so many people wore Barbie Halloween costumes this year. (My personal favorite was this one by my high school English teacher. I mean seriously, she could've easily played Barbie, if Margot Robbie was unavailable.)

And, as is the case with all media I don’t like, it makes me appreciate the media I do like even more. Every TV show and movie I used as a comparison is timeless, fun, and engaging, and sets standards for quality entertainment that Barbie just didn’t reach.

But on a related note, if you’re wondering if there are any Barbie productions I WOULD recommend, I do have a few: There are Toy Story 2 and 3, the TS mini short Hawaiian Vacation, Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse, Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures, and my personal favorite, Barbie Dolphin Magic. These productions actually have Barbie be a proactive character with actual meaningful relationships between her friends and family, show and tell better, funnier jokes, and feel more like stories than lectures.

Barbie gets a 4/10 for me. While it certainly did try to provide an entertaining experience, it let its political beliefs and themes take over the whole thing, and as a result leaves little to come back to other than its visuals and songs. And while it’s not the worst movie out there, it’s definitely among my least favorite Warner Bros movies so far.

I’m sorry Barbie, but you just weren’t Kenough for me.

Well, if you made it this far, thanks for reading my re-review of the Barbie movie. I’m actually really proud of how this came together. I hope that even if I didn’t change your mind about the film, I at least conveyed my opinions in a way that made sense to you, because that’s the main thing I wanted to accomplish here.

I’m still working on my next Sesame Street Retrospective installment, so look out for that. And if thou art feeling brave, click this link to watch a playlist of some of my favorite Barbie review videos.

Anyway, that’s all the time I have for today. Thanks again for reading, and I’ll see you next time. Bye!